


I’m Sorry, My Love

by leemarkhyuk



Series: Love Hurts [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:47:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27723689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leemarkhyuk/pseuds/leemarkhyuk
Summary: i'm sorry that i was so horrible to you. i wish you could've lasted just a few more days, i was going to explain myself... now you'll never know the truth.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Series: Love Hurts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027852
Comments: 7
Kudos: 21





	I’m Sorry, My Love

**Author's Note:**

> this is the second part to when you love someone. i didnt want to add another chapter because that requires tag update blah blah. here is jeongin's pov of that day+. 
> 
> also i cut myself last night that kinda sucks :/ two months clean who lmao
> 
> enjoy

It’s just another regular day, Jeongin busy as always. Except he was awaken by a call from his manager saying they were closed for the day so he has the day off. He goes back to sleep and wakes up three hours later. He answers any texts sent to except for one person’s.

While brushing his teeth, he decides that he should have his friends over. Of course he sees them everyday when they hang out at each other’s homes at night, but whose to say they can’t have an early day? Seungmin answers his text almost immediately, he and Yongbok are roommates and they live just block away while Hyunjin lives a bit deeper in the neighborhood. Seungmin accounts that he and Felix could come over soon and he’d talk to Hyunjin.

Jeongin rests on his couch after a bowl of cereal. He scrolls through all the apps on his phone a few times before becoming annoyed with the red bubble with the number ‘3’ on his messages app.

Oh. It’s him.

_ [Jisung] _

_ >>Did you have a good day? _

_ 21:37 _

_ >>Goodnight, love. _

_ 23:41 _

_ >>Hi, Innie! Have a good day at work today! _

_ 08:12 _

_ [Jeongin] _

_ >>Thanks. _

_ 13:20 _

He blinks at the screen and watches as ‘Delivered’ becomes ‘Read 13:21’ and quickly exits the conversation and closes the app. He knows that one of these days he’ll have to explain himself, but not today. Last week he told himself he’d do it that weekend, yet he didn’t. Instead he went clubbing with his friends.

He turns the television on to stop thinking about it. For an hour he’s watching a movie he doesn’t know the title of until he his front door opens and in his friends come. They each have a spare key, they’d practically grown up together, Yongbok joining the friendship after moving to Korea from Australia when he was fourteen.

“Hey, guys,” he says as he gets up leaving the unknown movie playing.

“Innie!” Shouts Yongbok. He was always the most cheerful of the four.

“Haengbokkie Hyung!” He shouted back, meeting halfway for the hug Yongbok was running to.

“Felix, quiet down.” Seungmin says. Yongbok rolls his eyes and goes to the couch, laying on it so that there’s nowhere for the others to sit. Hyunjin laughs and grabs four cans of soda from the refrigerator.

“Today’s gonna be a great day, yeah? Whenever you get a day off, something amazing always happens.” Hyunjin smiles as he passes the cans to his friends. They all nod in agreement.

Yongbok turns the movie off and goes to the YouTube app on the television, searching for a ‘guess the song game’ with older songs in it. He finds a few and they start guessing, Hyunjin being the best and Seungmin being the worst.

They’re all laughing at how Yongbok guessed the wrong song four times before the answer was given when Hyunjin, who’s laughing the loudest and hardest, abruptly stops. The friends each stop as well, confused. Hyunjin has his eyes glued to something outside the window. It’s quiet for a bit, spare the sounds from the television, no one moves.

He looks away after a while, but looks directly to Jeongin. They lock eyes for a what feels like minutes but is only seconds. The next song comes from the television and Hyunjin breaks eye contact and guesses. The other three look at each other and brush it off, going back to their game, confusion still fresh in their minds.

Jeongin gets a text from his boyfriend not too long after but doesn’t open it. He’ll read it later. The day goes on and the friends forget Hyunjin’s strange behavior.

Night falls quickly and the three boys take their leave, all having work in the early morning. Jeongin cleans up and puts away the leftover pizza they ordered hours earlier. He showers and climbs into his bed, flicking through his television knowing that he won’t be up much longer. He scrolls through his Twitter, replying to his friends’ tweets and whatnot when Hyunjin texts.

_ [Hyunjin] _

_ >>I forgot to mention before I left, but Jisung stopped by earlier. He put something in your mailbox. _

_ 22:47 _

Jeongin stares in confusion. Why wouldn’t Jisung just give whatever to him himself?

_ [Jeongin] _

_ >>Thanks, man. Goodnight! _

_ 22:49 _

_ [Hyunjin] _

_ >>Goodnight! _

_ 22:50 _

Jeongin climbs out of bed and jogs to his mailbox and back to his room. The front of the letter says “For You.”

He opens it and reads it. Then he reads it again. Again. Again. His entire world crashes down on him immediately. His first move is to call Jisung.

No answer.

He calls again. Still nothing.

His next move is to call Seungmin. He answers sounding extremely tired and annoyed, but Jeongin’s choked sobs are enough to wake him up and clear the faux annoyance.

“Hyung—he.. Hyung,” Jeongin tries his best to talk, but every other word is caught behind a harsh sob.

“Innie, I need you to calm down. Breathe with me, yeah?” It takes many minutes but he listens to Seungmin’s breathing and is eventually able to get his breathing together and keep his sobs down.

“What happened, Innie?”

“Sungie wrote me a letter… I think he delivered it earlier and that’s why Hyunjin was staring out the window.” He takes a deep breath.

“Hyung, he wrote me his suicide note. He won’t pick up his phone.” It’s faint, but Jeongin hears two gasps on the other line. He must be on speaker, Yongbok is probably listening.

“Oh, Innie... Do you have contact with any of his close friends? His parents?” Yongbok softly questions.

“I didn’t think about that... I can call Chan Hyung.”

“Do that now.” They say their goodbyes and Jeongin scrolls through his contacts for the number he was looking for. He answers on the first ring.

“Hyu-“

“Jeongin.”

It’s silent after that. Moments pass before the elder speaks up again.

“I couldn’t get to him in time.” Those words tear Jeongin apart once again. His body reacts with a sob that hurts his throat and his phone shattering on the wall across the room. He’s screaming and crying, he’s angry and sad, but he’s most upset with himself.

“Why didn’t you wait a little longer?! Just a couple more days,” He yells between sobs.

He was so horrible to the person he loved so much, he would never be able to tell him why now. He would never see that smile he loved to see, never hear his laugh again, he wouldn’t get to hold him anymore, he won’t even be able to look at him. The one person he fell in love with—gone, and it’s all his fault.

Someone’s holding him. Through his tear-filled eyes he can make out the outlines of his three closest friends. He was so horrible to him.

He died believing that it was something he did. But in reality everything he did was perfect. 

“I miss him so much.” He cries in Hyunjin’s arms. His friend hums and rubs his back slowly. They can’t do anything. Losing someone you love is hard. It’s harder when they take their own lives. It’s even harder when they believe it was their fault and that they needed to. And it’s most hardest when you’re the reason they did it.

——

Today is Jisung’s funeral. It’s been exactly a week since he passed away, and Jeongin hasn’t taken it well at all. He quit his job and keeps himself in his room all day. His friends have all practically moved in to take care of him.

He doesn’t eat, he doesn’t sleep, he doesn’t shower, he doesn’t do anything. At the late hours of the night, his friends rotate watching him. He had tried to kill himself everyday since. After the funeral he’s being admitted to a hospital and put on suicide watch.

He’s progressively getting skinnier. He wouldn’t say it’s force feeding, but if Seungmin doesn’t pry the boy’s mouth open and put the food in himself, he doesn’t eat it.

He makes eye contact with Chan and Changbin for a split second. They’re shocked at his appearance. As a matter of fact, he’s gotten many stares since they arrived, and it’s not being he’s the ex boyfriend. Jisung was still closeted, his family didn’t know.

Jeongin looks sick. As if he’s made to be a ghost. His skin is pale, almost grayish. It’s not a lovely sight at all. His hair is greasy and unstyled. He didn’t even change out of yesterday clothes from his and Yongbok’s short bank trip, but he’d been wearing all black lately so he matched the funeral attire to an extent.

Jisung’s friends slowly made their way over to them. Jeongin doesn’t dare look at them again. They lost a good friend because of him. Chan sighs, and pulls him into a hug anyways. Jeongin would breakdown crying right now if he hadn’t drained himself of tears over the week.

“This is not your fault, Jeongin.” He faintly hears. He ignores what’s said, but nods his head to the voice.

“He hasn’t been taking this well. His doctor is having him be put under suicide watch, so we’re taking him to the hospital right after this.” Seungmin tells Chan. Jeongin looks at the two men again. There’s genuine shock all over their faces.

Changbin is in complete disbelief and a bit angry as well. He grabs Jeongin’s thin warm down wrist and pulls him away from everyone.

“Look here, Yang. I’m gonna tell you this all straight; What Jisung chose to do was not your fault whatsoever. He’s gone through a lot in his life and sometimes a lot is too much for him. This time, we weren’t fast enough. But you listen to me. Don’t you dare try to kill yourself. Jisung does and did not want that for you. He wants you to be happy. He wants you alive and well. He wants you to smile. He wants what’s best for you. This is your chance. You’re going to go to that hospital and get better for him. Then you’re going to leave and start a better life, you hear me? You’re going to get well and live long. Don’t make the same choice he did.” Changbin’s words are sharp and precise and hit Jeongin in all the right places, though he doesn’t show it. He nods, and Changbin takes that as confirmation that he was listening.

They walk back to the combined friend group and all take their seats. Jeongin can’t keep himself upright for long anymore, so he leans on Hyunjin through most.

They walk up to the alter towards the end and he sees his love one last time. A single tear drop falls, and as they sit down, the coffin is closed.

When the burial ends an hour later, they say their goodbyes to Chan and Changbin and make their way to the hospital. Jeongin bids a small goodbye to his friends and keeps Changbin’s words fresh on his mind as he makes his way through the white halls.

He gets changed and sits on the bed. He’s going to get better for Jisung. He let him down once, but he won’t do it again.


End file.
